Two Poems | Christina M. Rau

Her Life As She Explains It 

Living in the fire tower in Oregon

12 x 12 room only windows like

being outside still safe from smoke.

Spending days watching for small

fires so they don’t get big during

their season. The rest of the year,

living like nomads do. This way of

life sometimes inconvenient like

what to do on holidays or weekends.

I’m not supposed to write about fire

anymore. Still, I think this is different.

It’s not about fire; it’s about life

avoiding the ashes before a spark

can catch.

Too Much History Here

when did I stop listening

to music stop singing

stop swaying when did

I stop replaying one song

over and over until I knew

all the words when did I

stop knowing all the words

all the songs on all the

stations

eventually the room fills

with mistakes instead

taken away breath by

effortful breath every

shimmer-felt hope

a dare untold it’s

all old now all

that’s unopened stays

that way too much

happened here and also

never enough

love

he left and he left and

he left and he left and

even when the leaving

wasn’t him it was still leaving

glances at doorways

twisting a neck over

a shoulder no one

shows up the staying

unbearable the keeping

impossible who

moved who stuck deep

in shadow came went

nothing safe a space

holds open a wanting

a haunting like the need

to crawl out of skin to

not be here to not exist

but to also be present

all raw nerve

he made me believe

he grabbed my hand

I did it to myself and to

him and to both of

us

let the want be more

let the hurt be real

And that’s how it always ends, you know?

hurt harm hurt

Christina M. Rau, The Yoga Poet, leads Meditate, Move, & Create workshops for various organizations. Her collections include How We Make Amends, What We Do To Make Us Whole, and the Elgin Award-winning Liberating The Astronauts. She moderates the Women’s Poetry Listserv and has served as Poet in Residence for Oceanside Library (NY) since 2020. Her poetry airs on Destinies radio show (WUSB) and appears in various literary journals like fillingStation and The Disappointed Housewife while her prose has appeared in Punk Monk Magazine and Reader’s Digest. During her downtime, she watches the Game Show Network.
http://www.christinamrau.com FB/IG/X/Bsky: @christinamrau

Photo by Collin J Rae